Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Truck Nuts

It seems as though the latest craze in automotive accessorizing is the dangling of a set of testicles from the hitch of your truck or SUV. Twenty-five dollars is all a pair of "bumper nuts" will set you back, of course there is no telling how far this disgusting display of obnoxious machismo sets back humankind.

Most men seem to be revolted by the barest glimpse of male reproductive organs, save of course their own, so it is baffling to me that those same men would pay good money to tack a sack to their vehicles. Of course, buying a set of nuts for your truck makes your most decidedly inanimate pickup "tougher," never mind that the truck lacks the other half of the male reproductive equation, without which a set of balls is practically useless.

While no studies have been completed as of the time of publication, there is sure to be a negative correlation between the distance these pseudo-testicles hang from the bumper, and the IQ and incomes, of those from whose trucks these balls are draped.

Why any straight male would want to adorn his vehicle with this very symbol of homoeroticism skips my mind. Its not enough that most pickups and SUVS never tow anything heavier than their drivers' massive and unwarranted egos, make the road dangerous for drivers of more fuel efficient automobiles, and contribute more than their fair share to our growing dependence on foreign oil; now they are festooned with a part of the male anatomy that tends towards sweat and stink. Let's hope these nuts for trucks get testicular cancer, and fall off.

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